I spent all day yesterday knitting patiently away. 3 rectangles to go. 2 rectangles to go. By the last few rows of the final rectangle my heart was pounding. The anticipation of actually having a tangible benchmark to have something completed was immense. Around 9, I had finished the final square. I sewed it to the rest of its panel, laid out all three on the floor and stood back. This was it, just as I imagined it would be. Final, and white, in all its glory.

Well, almost. At that time it looked like a toddler's puzzle.

The hand knit blocks look huge compared to the machine knit ones, but don't worry, they do fit together. I have now started the painful process of the 3 inch garter stitch border, made up like a log cabin. So right now, on my poor needles are 6 feet worth of stitches. But it will be so worth it.

26 days.

Today, it feels attainable.

a deeper reflection

"Hearing your comments, I'd like to think I know what I do, but the truth is I don't. There are many considerations and I don't know how to satisfy them all. ... I might decide that you're right, and change everything. Or I might decide that you are right and change nothing. Or I might decide to move down a new path, and create something entirely different from what you've seen." ~ Brenda Dayne

Right now, every fiber of my being is telling me to change nothing. And so shall it be. I know nothing, and admit that readily, but for once in my life I would like to feel proud and confident of what I'm doing, and right now, this is it. Its not a final "I will never do anything like this again" feeling but a "This is what this is supposed to be, and needs to be, and I should not change it" feeling. It will be what it wants to be. I am no more than a maker; I make what the object tells me it wants to be.

I have had Brenda Dayne's podcast Cast On on my list for a while now, but am just finally sitting down to listen to them. This particular episode, entitled "On Gauge" was cast in 2006, and yet it still proves to be as powerful today as it was then.

28 days.

Today, it feels like a heavy weight.

at last, spring

The ever-slowly lightening of the sky between bouts of blustery grey clouds and rain drops, realizing you no longer have to eat dinner in the dark, days hovering around 50 degrees (Fahrenheit, of course), blooming crocuses and cheery daffodils. Yes it's true! Spring is really here!

As wonderful as that sounds, I am afraid I cannot hear the chirp of the robins or sparrows. I cannot enjoy the breeze of sweet Spring. For me, there is only one thing I can hear. The deafening woosh of deadlines as they go whizzing by. I see, think, speak, eat, and breathe only one thing: Senior Thesis.

29 days.

Today it feels like a death sentence.

warning

This is a Public Service Announcement.

GLITTER IS CONTAGIOUS.

You have been warned.

This ends the Public Service Announcement.

Little kids love it. Adults can't stand it. What is the fascination with something so small and sparkly? I do not know. I do know that Glitter is highly contagious, and once someone has it, its very easy to catch it, and very hard to get rid of it. Maybe one day there will be an answer, but the future is vague.

and so it begins...

Two hours late, but I can't really complain about that. The weather was having a temper tantrum last night, so I expect that it's pretty gross out there. I'm just so glad I don't have to be out there in it. But, enough about the weather.

And so it begins, the final countdown, the march towards the light at the end of the tunnel, the beginning of the end. Am I really ready for this?

I mean, sure, I've been waiting for this for... well, forever. The Day I Graduate College. But then what? What am I going to do with myself? Go work at the family restaurant? Maybe do art on the side? I guess; it's a job, right?

Ugh, too much to worry about. Too much to think about. I think, for right now, I'm just going to crawl back into bed and enjoy the delay. Ah, warmth.

new year, new resolutions, same old...

Well, you know.

I move back to school in less than a week. I am not packed. I have huge plans this weekend. My old room-mate is coming up for the weekend. Oh well.

But I've been very busy so far this year. I already have a finished object, and I've reorganized my entire organization system. Or rather, created one. I'm also making (slow) headway on my thesis. I'm 5 inches shy of a completed square. But its progress none-the-less. And I'm going to try to remember to blog more often, to keep myself credible.

But for now, back to my knitting, which is fairly interesting. Pictures when I can find my camera cord. :\

cleaning up hiroshima

The grey haze of the rainy morning puts a gentle hush over the room. The morning after. Its strange and quiet this morning. Digging through the emotional rubble trying to understand what happened, again, I am overwhelmed. Overwhelmed, but not surprised. I hate to say it, but I told you so. I told you so, I told you so, I told you so, a hundred times over. But you were determined, and I... I was an innocent bystander. Unable to comprehend, and frozen with shock, I am debilitated. Lost. Confused. Still. Still digging through the rubble trying to find what's left of myself, I find the broken pieces of what once was. Arguments, fights, screaming, divorce. I've been here before. Digging still further I find more and more of these broken pieces. My hands are bleeding from their sharp edges. The pain still burns. I'm still digging. Why am I still digging? Why can't I find it? Find what? I don't know, but I'll know when I find it. I've been here before. I've been here before. It's still raining. It's always raining. But I have to keep looking. If I don't keep looking, I'll never find it. Find what? That thing. That thing that I lost the last time. When I was here before. I lost it then, and I still haven't found it. Did the rain wash it away? Rain can't wash away something like that. Of course it can, don't be silly. Then is it really gone? I don't know. I just don't know. Then I have to keep looking. Stop looking, you'll never find it. How do you know? Because we are the same, and I've lost it too. But... Come on, it's raining.